Get Your Cyborg Name

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Today’s reading music:

I had to show a new friend where my bio stuff is because I haven’t completed (or even started) the new bio page. So here’s some stuff I found in various posts. This is just for you, new friend.

1.) I’m kinda like a vegetarian when it comes to my food habits. I tend to crave veggies and apples and watermelon moreso than meat.

1a.) that’s a lie. if I’m anything, I’m a carbivore. Yes, you read that correctly. Gimme a heaping of baked macaroni, where the top is somewhat brown and crusty from being under the broiler? OH MY GOD.

2.) When I first saw American Psycho, I laughed. And then I felt sorry that Patrick couldn’t find a meaningful relationship. Because I like this movie to an insane degree - and because I can quote it to a point where you’ll cover your ears and say LALALALALA - strangers tend to think I’m odd.

3.) If we get down to genetic brass tacks, I am considered a blonde. An ashy, dark blonde. Like, compared to any other color, my hair looks grey. Hell, it might be grey by this point. I don’t know - I’ve never stopped dying my hair long enough to find out. Like right now? My hair is red, and I have an inch of dark grey roots.  That can’t be blonde, can it?

4.) The only person I was close to that died was my father’s brother - his wife murdered him. And we weren’t really that close. He’s just the only person I was close to that died suddenly.

5.) Speaking of family, I’ve never had a grandfather. My father’s dad died several years before I was born, and my mother’s father died when I was 2. I have one picture of me with him, somewhere. Or maybe my mother has it…

6.) Because I don’t have alot of pictures of my childhood. Well, scratch that. From 12 to now, aside from previous careers (heh), there’s not a lot of photos of me. Over the last few years, I’ve taken as many as possible to make up for it. But I feel corny when I do it.

7.) I know I said it like a while back but it still holds true: I really feel like I’m a gay man trapped in a girl’s body. Because I feel like such a tomboy but omg I love dick. I can’t lie about that.

8.) When people ask for my opinion and then do whatever they wanted to anyway without even a shred of concern for my view, it REALLY pisses me off. Why the hell did I waste my time?

9.) When people on twitter update, I get a little wet. I feel mega important.

10.) You know what else makes me feel important? MAIL! OMG I cannot emphasize how hard I get when there’s a nonbill/sales-ad bit of mail. And if it’s a package? OH GOD. It’s hardcore. My dream is to get a PO Box and just have pen pals all over the place and just send postcards and letters back and forth. Seriously. You did not just dream up this #10 answer in an LCD-induced haze. It’s a true answer.

11.) I get extremely livid when people tell me what I want, I tell them, and then it doesn’t come to fruition. Don’t fucking tell me to tell you what I want and then don’t do it.

12.) There is a tv in my apartment, and it’s rarely watched. Seriously. I don’t even have regular tv or cable hooked up. I know. I’m a relic.

13.) For the last 20-someodd years, my birthday, Christmas, New Years and Valentine’s Day have SUCKED BIG SWEATY MONKEY BALLS. And I’m sick of it. I demand recognition. I either get recognition or I’m moving my birthday from December 8th to in the summer - because EVERYONE ELSE (obviously not the december people, but they get me) gets separate presents for their birthday and Christmas. And I fucking DON’T. And New Years? NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. WHY? IN MOVIES, PARTIES HAPPEN! SOIREES HAPPEN! I WANT TO GO TO A SOIREE! And Valentine’s Day - I don’t even have to say anything about this. It’s so embarrassing, the lack of attention.

… and I’m DATING SOMEONE.

14.) Oh, him. Yes, I’ve been a certified idiot for the last year and a half. Do I love him? Usually depends on how pissed off he makes me, from minute offenses such as not calling during the weekend because _______ happened (got sick/got tired/phone didn’t work, usually) to larger offenses such as abandoning your girlfriend - the supposed love of your life - and moving to Africa. Or, not telling your parents we’re still dating. Yes, through all that, I suppose I’m an idiot.

15.) Okay, you’re probably saying “Well, you’re not so perfect! What does he bitch about in regard to you?” What does he bitch about in regard to me? Nothing. Because I’m fucking perfect and my pussy feels amazing, so of course he’s not going to bitch. Recognize.

I’ve come to a point where there is no defined day and no defined night, and there is a general malaise. I feel so awkward as of late. Very disconnected to everything. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to level. I don’t want to blog. I don’t want to sleep. I’m just… here. Bored with life.

I mean, it’s not that I don’t have anything to do. I have work, which is always changing because my boss is king of “O HAI GUIZ I NO U BEN WERKIN ON DAT 4 LYK IDK 2 WEEKS… BUT I WONT U 2 DO DIS NOW CUZ… IDK… IDGAF - ELLE OH ELLE!“. And I do have my WoW - I rolled a rogue because I know I’m really bored leveling my paladin. And I have this craft website that’s sole purpose is to get me off the computer. But I’m still bored, and I’m not interested in anything these days. So I just spend all my time cruising the internet.

I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, but it’s more like I’m on the edge of it.

One benefit of keeping Job A was that I was around people and had human contact, and was FORCED into being around people. All that time that I made porn, I hated that I didn’t have anyone here to hang out with, and I just spent all my time in the apartment, working. I mean, I’ve been kind of a loner for the most part, and I don’t go out a lot to movies or bars or whatnot. So I seriously have to go out of my way to be around people - that’s probably why I tend to go shopping several times a week, so I can just be around other people. I get lonely alot of the time - okay, most of the time - and I know that it comes off as being needy and whatnot. It’s something I’m working on.

So, my remedy is to stop using the computer so much and to stop burrowing away in books. I’ve been on ONTD once in the last 36 hours and I’m dying for it, but I’m not logging in. Tonight and tomorrow, I’m cleaning the apartment as much as possible so I don’t have to worry about it this week. And then I’m going to find hobbies. Go to the craft/dollar store, pick up stuff for the craft site, start doing more things away from the computer. Start working out again - I did good about it for a while until having 2 jobs just spanked my ass.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the mall - both local ones - and just walking around. Maybe that’ll make me feel better, by setting up a schedule of sorts where I have to leave the apartment. Hopefully I can snap myself out of it.

I love WoW.

I do not love it this much though.

Open up your music player application of choice, please.

“…… k.”

Now, in the search box, type in the following common words and see what you get (if more than 5, select your favorites). Likewise, some words may come up that are part of a longer word. Those are fine, too:

1) Love (total: 357 songs found):
a. Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith
b. Playground Love by Air (from the Virgin Suicides)
c. How Deep is Your Love by the BeeGees
d. Lovecats by Paul Anka (great cover!)
e. Love Song by 311 (maybe my favorite cover evar)

2) Hate (total: 6 songs found):
a. I Really Hate Her by Lee Ann Womack
b. W’hate’ver (I had a dream last night) by the Butthole Surfers
c. United States of W’hate’ver by Liam Lynch (i was all WHUTEVA)
d. Hated by Nikki Cleary
e. “Hail To W’hate’ver You Found In the Sunlight That Surrounds You” by Rilo Kiley

3) War (total: 8 songs found):
a. War by Henry Rollins Band
b. Living on a Prayer/Wanted (MTV A’war’ds) by Bon Jovi
c. I’ll Remember by ‘Patrick Ste”war”t’
d. Keeping You Warm by Sean Paul
e. Regulate by Warren G (REGULATOOOOOOOORS! - rynie just screamed that)

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4) Sex (total: 46 songs found):
a.  Sex Shooter by Apollonia (6)

b. Sexiest Man in Jamaica by Mint Royale
c. Audio from the Colin Farrell/Nicole Narain sex tape
d. Sex Tonight by Gillette (remember her? She sang “Short Short Man”)
e. I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Bad

(best live video ever)

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5) Hello (total: 24 songs found)
a. Hello by Lionel Richie

b. Hello by Poe
c. Hello My Future Girlfriend by Hairy-Backed Killah
d. Hello it’s Me by Todd Rundgren (helloooo it’s meee, i’ve thought about us for a long long time)
e. Hello, I Love You by the Doors

6) Goodbye (total: 19 songs found)
a. Everytime We Say Goodbye by Ray Charles
b. Goodbye by the Spice Girls
c. Goodbye by John Mayer (9/11 tribute concert)
d. Last Goodbye by Natalie Merchant
e. Goodbye by James Marsden (Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

7) You (total: 697 songs found)
a. Girl, I’m Gonna Miss You by Milli Vanilli
b. You Oughta Know (hidden track edit) by Alanis Morissette
c. I’m With You by Avril Lavigne
d. Who’s Your Daddy by Benny Benassi
e. You Need Roses by INXS/Outkast (GREAT remix)

Me (total: 1392 songs found)
a. Breathe on Me by my former idol BSpears
b. I Need So’me’ by the Cardigans
c. Sweet Sum’me’r Lovin’ by Dolly Parton

(Look at those fabulous 1979 video effects! Clintus, TAKE NOTE!)

d. Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence
e. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen (don’t ask, it’s itunes - it randomly adds shit. maybe because there’s an “em”? I dunno, but half of the list doesn’t have a concrete Me)

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeeeeeeeeeeee.

@nussbi over on twitter apparently nominated me for Hottest Blogger. Please don’t let him down, and go vote for me. You know how rarely I do ask you to do shit, so just seriously like a minute and you’ll be done. Search for “TheMia” on the list.

Thanks

xxx Warden

Brand new readers have no idea that I did porn.

Granted, it was homemade, solo and strictly on the net… but the US Government does consider that to be porn. And since the government held me to all it’s laws and such, like putting my real name and address on the internet for anyone to stop by and say “hello” unannounced, as well as restricted what I could say, what I could show in my photos…. then yeah, I’m gonna grab the “porn” title and hang on for dear life.

Originally, I got into porn because of a nonexistent sex life and a need to make a lot of cash in a hurry. My boyfriend turned way more submissive than i thought possible, and withheld sex from me. Oh, and he started demanding that I bring in more money. So…I started off giving cam shows and selling my panties and socks, which was actually profitable, considering this was 2003 - before the influx of everyone and their damn sister making porn and selling it, and before corporations started keeping cam girls on salary and charging $19.99 a month for access to 20+ websites.

No, this was truly homemade and homegrown. My inspiration was Trixie, a “cam girl”/webwhore (her word, not mine, so it’s okay if I call her that) in her late 20’s. I had randomly stumbled onto her website from a friend’s blog that linked to a blog that linked to a blog that mentioned a blog that linked to a blog that linked to Trixie. Trixie was and is a smart, funny, provocatively amazing woman, and she was my idol in the porn world. She has managed to run several websites at once, never affiliating herself with a corporation that will shill her website along with 50 other girls’ sites for cheaper than pizza on Friday night. She is completely independent, and that quality was and is her most attractive quality - she makes porn because she wants to make it, and not because she has kids to feed or a drug habit to supply or a boyfriend that gets off on it and she’s struggling to keep him. Well, her boyfriend does have a website, but she doesn’t struggle to keep him.

She is extremely educated about the industry she works in and where she wants to take her “empire” in the next week, next month, next year and beyond. She can change her demeanor and appearance at will, so instead of looking like herself playing dressup, she can “become” an older Mrs Robinson-type or put on saddle shoes and pigtales and affect a childish demeanor. She’s sweet and kind and funny and interesting and never really has said anything that makes me think “well, one less thing i like about her,” because I do like it all.

(apologies to Trixie for the pic I used. It’s one that I like, but not my absolute favorite, which I can’t find anymore and can’t even begin to describe. I don’t have a login to her site anymore, so I can’t peruse and find the right pic. BUT if you do join her website, look for the “Pay to Touch It” video series - it’s well done and provocative!)

Anyhoo, enough verbal ejaculation over how awesome Trixie is. If you don’t believe me, well, just go check out her website (in case you’re retarded and haven’t realized what I’m talking about, her site is VERY NSFW, so don’t).

Now, back to me.

At this point, one of my regulars told me that a friend of his was working on a multi-girl website and it was good to get your name out there. I signed up for it and a week later, was told that they wanted me. I had to submit photos that were typical of what my profile would feature, and this is when I took the very first naked photos I’ve ever taken in my entire life.

Looking back, yeah, I was nervous about it but it was different and fun. And seriously, who can say that they hate when people pay them to get naked and give them cash and compliments all the damn time? It did wonders for my self esteem… and at this point in my relationship with Subby, I really needed someone who would just say “You’re so pretty” and “You turn me on”. I mean, you think “yeah, well, I don’t have to say that to my girlfriend/wife - she knows it.”

Bullshit. She needs to HEAR IT. No pretenses. No justifying it. Just say things like “You’re so beautiful” and “I love your face”. Hell, even “You turn me on” and “You make me hard” will work. Chris Rock said it best when he said “Women need 3 things to survive: food, water and compliments. And the occasional pair of shoes.”

Anyhoo, back to what I’m saying. I didn’t get into porn because I wanted to fuck other guys or girls - which I never did, mainly because it’s not my bag so I don’t carry it. No, I like looking pretty and wearing corsets and heels and having a hot guy say that he can’t wait to show me how much he needs me.

After a while of being on the multi-girl website, I left and opened my own site. I ran it for a while and about 6 months into it, had to change my name because there was another girl that started around the same time I did, with the same stage name - and she did bondage porn. Nothing wrong with getting tied up. But I ain’t doin’ it, so I got sick of getting her e/mails, so I changed my name. Opened a new website. Got a few money slaves, cam slaves, did a lot of cam shows, took a lot of pictures, and at one point, made enough money that I didn’t have to keep working at the nightclub on the side.

And… I got burned out. At my highest point, I was doing 6+ cam shows a night, camming in a community chatroom to drum up business, taking photos for my site, editing photos, maintaining a website (which, i had NEVER done before at all, so it was all new and took forever just to do one little thing), advertising on various websites, maintaining affiliate links, communicating one-on-one with customers via blog and emails and IMs, and filling orders for panties and custom photoshoots. I worked more than I did just recently with both of my legitimate fulltime jobs, and I made a lot more money doing it. But when I wasn’t working, I was thinking of working. And I felt guilty for having to sleep a handful of hours a night and going out to dinner instead of working. That, combined with my boyfriend turning down my sexual advances and dealing with his infidelity, caused me to gain weight. I mean, not so much that I didn’t get work anymore, but enough for me to feel self conscious about it.

Subby, instead of seeing the effect his lack of attention had on me, kept doing his thing - cheating on me, making me feel bad for not being Dominant, telling girls that I was withholding sex, etc and so on. Instead of the porn site empowering me to take back my sex life, it now felt like a lead chain around my neck. What’s the point of doing these sexy things if I can’t do them with someone that finds me as sexy as my customers do? Why am I wearing a corset and getting ready for a cam show and you’re just sitting there on the couch? Why? I’m your girlfriend and I’m parading around the house wearing next to nothing, and you can’t get it up for me.

It was the biggest mindfuck I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of. Doing a website so guys think of me fucking them, when my own boyfriend wouldn’t fuck me. It’s like working in a cake shop and not being allowed to sample your own work. You’re like, “…… but I just spent 8 hours making that cake. why can’t I have a bite?” And the Cake Nazi comes over, raps your knuckles with a ruler and says “NO. CAKE. FOR. JOO!”

When my enthusiasm began to show in my photos and shows, my customers got pissed. I mean, in all that I just typed, I didn’t tell you about how men are in these things. I would say that 2 out of every 3 guys were sweet and kind and absolutely loved me and my body and the things I said and just wanted to take me home to meet Ma. And the other 1 would buy a cam show, and during the show, berade me on not only how “fat” I was (5′6 and around 140lbs, give or take an ounce - see photographic proof above) and tell me that because _______ updates her site daily, I need to, too. And since I haven’t, they need a refund. And one year free. And a free cam show, starting now. When I refused, they called my credit card company and filed complaints. Not alot at all, but a few. Which is a few more than it should be.

Speaking of credit card companies, my first one went under - maybe you heard about it? When they went under, they still owed me several hundred dollars, but most people in the industry made out far worse than I did - I know of a few people that were and still are owed tens of thousands of dollars and will never see it. My second one would withhold payment for a month before issuing it out to me. I finally settled with CCBill and as shitty as my ‘illustrious’ porn career was, they treated me very well - I’m even using them for my art website I’m building at the moment.

By this time, the industry became saturated with homemade porn sites, and I didn’t have a secure enough foothold on my core audience, so they went to other places. Some, to sites like Trixie’s, and others to multi-girl sites owned by corporations that are more concerned about money in their pocket than about taking care of their contract employees.

A few months after I closed my porn site, I put an ad on a dating website. I still did cam shows and panty sales, but nothing near what it was. And guys were… unique, that’s all I can really say. My boyfriend had broken up with me because I busted him cheating on me (he beat me to the punch), and I found that most guys really aren’t into the porn thing - that is, the “my girlfriend makes porn” thing. They think it’s hot as shit until you actually do a cam show or start packaging your panties up to send to a customer. Or, they tend to think you’re a slut and will do it anywhere, anytime. I can’t tell you how many guys think “doing online porn = anal gangbang with double helpings of DVDA”. They think you’re raunchy and slutty and don’t care about yourself. And you get all types. One guy I was briefly speaking to actually turned out to be almost exactly like Subby. Another wanted me to have sex with his dog. Another wanted me to move in with him so he could pimp me out to his friends. I can’t make this stuff up. But the vast majority were just way too sexual from the get-go. Yes, I make porn. yes, I get off for a living. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to fuck YOU 30 seconds after meeting you in person or on our first date or even on our third.

Guys would lie and talk to several girls at once and do every single thing I forgot that guys can do. And I hid my porn past from them all until we got to a point where they needed to know - because there would be a point when they did. It’s not like I did porn years and years ago - we’re talking, I had JUST closed my porn site and I still did cam shows. And I’m not much for dating, anyway, so I was open and honest about everything.  No lies from me, which is why it pissed me off when the guys would lie. And randomly, I met Chee. I didn’t stop making porn because of him - I stopped before I knew him. But I did make sure to tell him in my first response to him that I am simply not a traditional type of girl so he knew what he was getting himself into. He actually may get off on it, I think. But in a well-rounded way, I mean. He has never shunned me for that period in my life.

I made porn for a living and for a while, I loved it. Porn made me come into my own as a woman - yes, a woman. That sounds weird, but it’s true. I’m not that confident sexually, but I’m 10,000% more confident now that I’ve fucked myself on cam for pay. Yeah, I’m still hard on myself, but I now think I look better naked than I do with clothes on. I can pick my battles because I’ve seen and known cam girls and webwhores and nude models and fetishists and Dommes that are skeletal and morbidly obese. Life’s a fucking buffet, and you shouldn’t be limited by how much you weigh or your hair color or “gee, I hate Trixie because she’s better than I was.” No, Trixie was and is different - just like everyone else.

I realized that, without the need to make porn, I could spend far less time on my beauty regime that I normally would. I didn’t have to spend a crapload of money on clothing that was going to be strewn across the floor anyway, and buy toys that really actually didn’t do anything to turn me on aside from their primary function. I stopped thinking that everyone is two-faced, and that the world was divided into two groups: “those that do know” and “those that can’t know”. I stopped thinking I was fat and ugly all the damn time. That little voice in my head that would tell me that porn is wrong was finally shut the hell up - not because porn IS wrong (because it’s not) but because at that time, porn was wrong for me. I didn’t and still don’t get off on details. I can’t suddenly become less ADHD than I am, and now I feel free to just try to sit down and work at a real job, as opposed to thinking how to advertise this photoshoot and how to do that cam show when I have another lined up later but may start sooner. I realize the cost of my free hours. Recently, when I worked 2 jobs, it was because I wanted to - not because I had to work 80 hours to advertise and make layouts and edit photos and talk to customers.

On the flip side, I learned that for every asshole that says you are hideous and fat and worthless, there’s at least one more that thinks you are the most gorgeous thing he’s seen, and he’ll scoff when you say you need to lose weight. You’ll get the customers that think you hung the moon, and you can do no wrong by them. They’ll become friends, and still talk to you after you close your porn site and stop doing cam shows. Instead of being openly jealous at your boyfriend, they understand that he makes you happy, which makes them happy.  I made some really good friends in the porn industry, and found a lot of people that - while I may not be friends with them - I do greatly admire them. I was paid to look pretty and be provocative and make gorgeous art and turn boys on, and most importantly, I got paid to get off!

What does it all come down to? For a brief, shining moment, I made porn - something I once swore I’d never, ever, ever do. I made porn, and I loved it, and I wouldn’t balk at doing it again.

But the next time I do it, I’m doing it on my own terms, and not because there’s a bill to pay and a sexual hunger to feed.

xxx M

Shockingly, this is a real person from Intervention - her name is Allison, and she’s addicted to compressed air. Compressed air - like the cans of air? Although, the only ones I’ve seen as of late have bitters added to them to prevent huffing, but it really kills the appetites of anyone around - if you’re within 3 miles of anyone using it to clean off their desk, the air gets in your mouth and eyes and dries them out faster than a naked Maury Povich could. And then you end up drinking a crapload of water to replace what you think you lost, but instead it just makes you need to pee a lot. Like, a racehorse.

I feel bad for laughing, but the song is so irresistibly catchy. IM WALKING ON SUNSHINE!

MAKE A PANCAKE MAKE MAKE A PANCAKE

(source: from the lovely Dooce!)

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self — always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the “not visible” or the “not yet” that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a “soulmate,” someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

• Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
• Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
• Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
• Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.

source: keirsey.com